
Oh God…
How can I even put this into words? To be in my pain, yet still be an exhorter for others. To feel the weight of heartbreak and still let God amaze me with His ability to use me for good. Oh, how God sees me beyond what I can even think or imagine.
It’s safe to say that my flesh wants those who’ve caused me pain to feel pain in return. Oh, how I’ve wanted that. But the woman God created me to be the woman I am becoming doesn’t have the anger to hold onto that. I can’t stay there.
Still, the question remains: Why do I have to be good to my neighbor? Why do I have to extend grace when my heart is shattered? But then I’m reminded it’s because I am good to myself first. It’s because God’s love for me compels me to choose mercy over vengeance.
The hurt comes in waves. It’s one thing to feel like they played in your face, dismissed your worth, or disregarded your heart. But the deepest ache comes from seeing how the brokenness ripples through your children. Their beauty and their pain intertwine, and as a mother, you have to keep healing alongside them.
How do you give grace when your 12-year-old cries from the depths of her heart, when her tears carry questions you can’t answer? The anger within me oh, how I want to hold onto it but I have to let it go. I let it go so I can nurture her. So I can guide her with grace. So I can hold space for her healing while giving myself mercy in the process.
Mercy, because I felt like I failed them both.
But deep down, I know I didn’t.
It’s not failure it’s time. Time that has to pass. Time that heals. Time that reveals the purpose in this pain.
Today was the day I chose to let it out the cries, the pain, the prayers, the plea: Lord, I want out.
Yet even in the brokenness, there’s humility. Even in my disappointment and disgust, I find myself unable to bad-mouth the one who hurt me. That’s not who I am. God created me to rise above, to release it, and to be free.
And so, I cry. I grieve. I let God see every tear. And I trust that He is still holding me together, even when I feel like I’m falling apart.
Oh God… You amaze me. Even in this.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” —Psalm 34:18
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